5 Ways Emotionally Immature Parents Raise Daughters Who Use Food to Cope

If you’re a woman who feels stuck in a cycle of overeating, especially at night or in secret, and you keep wondering, “Why can’t I stop doing this?”, you’re not alone.

Many women I work with don’t overeat because they’re lazy, out of control, or lacking discipline.

They overeat because their nervous systems are carrying emotional memories from childhood.
They overeat because food became their safest, quietest way to feel soothed.

And often, that pattern started in homes where emotions were never fully welcome.

This isn’t about blaming parents. Most did the best they could with the tools and support they had. But if your parents were emotionally immature, meaning they couldn’t handle your big feelings, your needs, or even their own pain, it may explain a lot about your relationship with food today.

Here are five ways that dynamic might still be showing up in your eating:

1. Feelings Were Not Safe

You were told to stop crying. Or punished for being too sensitive. Or simply ignored.
So you learned to hide your feelings, to keep them quiet, even from yourself.
Now, as an adult, when hard emotions rise up (stress, sadness, anger), you don’t express them. You eat them.
Food becomes the one place where feelings are allowed, even if just for a moment.

2. You Had to Be the Grown-Up

Maybe your parent leaned on you emotionally. Maybe they were lost in their own pain or checked out entirely.
You became the helper, the good girl, the strong one.
No one was strong for you.
Now, food becomes your caregiver. The one thing that’s always there when you finally slow down after giving all day.

3. You Were Criticized or Judged

You were told to be quieter, thinner, nicer. You felt like you had to earn approval at every turn.
Even when you tried your hardest, it never felt like enough.
That shame stays in your body.
Sometimes food becomes your reward. Other times, it’s your quiet way of rebelling. Either way, it helps numb the sting of not feeling good enough.

4. You Had to Earn Love

Love came with conditions. Be good and you’ll get attention. Do well and you’ll be seen.
So you kept performing, pleasing, and shrinking parts of yourself.
Now, it’s hard to believe you deserve love just as you are.
Food becomes the fastest way to feel something good, comfort, pleasure, relief, without needing to prove anything first.

5. Your Needs Were Ignored

If your needs were too big, too loud, too inconvenient, you learned to quiet them.
You stopped asking for help. You stopped trusting that anyone would come.
Now, you might not even know what you need. You just feel something... empty.
So you eat to fill a space that was never truly seen.

If this sounds familiar, you are not broken.
You are not failing.
You are carrying survival strategies your body learned a long time ago.
They made sense back then. They helped you feel safe.

But now? You’re allowed to learn something new.

You’re allowed to feel, rest, and receive care in ways that don’t involve food.
You’re allowed to reconnect with your needs, even if it feels awkward at first.
And you’re allowed to be kind to yourself in the process.

Notice which of these stories feels true for you.
Gently ask yourself, “What was I really needing when I reached for food?”
Then, slowly, give yourself permission to meet that need in a new way.

Because healing your relationship with food isn’t just about what’s on your plate.
It’s about finally feeling safe to take up space in your own life.

With love,

Your Health Coach, Silke 💖

P.S. Don’t forget to share this with a friend who might find this helpful! 💌

If you enjoyed this article, you will love my 5 Small Changes to Stop Overeating - for women who are tired of overeating, bingeing and finally want peace with food:

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